Parasite Parrot

    
I got pooed on by a parrot this morning. My 3 year old sister got very excited when she spotted the dirty sods in the tree plotting their revenge against mankind. I picked her up so she could get a closer look and then all of a sudden-splat. "It's lucky!" they say...what are they on about? You have to be extremely unfortunate to be casually walking along minding your own business to get (input relevant swearword here) all over you. The only 'lucky' thing was that we had baby wipes with us.
   I always have to start the lead up to the New Year with a moan about something that went wrong in the previous months.
   So now that's out of the way-
   One thing I liked about this Christmas was the quality of television. I find it strange that we plan our day around the films that are going to be shown. "Ooh, Shrek's on at 1.40" so we sit in anticipation waiting for it to start despite the knowledge we own all of the Shrek films on DVD and can freely watch them at any time of the year we choose.
   What I enjoyed watching most over this festive season was the new BBC adaptation of 'Great Expectations', and not just because of Douglas Booth who I've placed below as a New Year's treat. I usually stay clear of Dickensian things since the trauma of participating in the Dicken's Reading Competition last year and the disappointment of the school trip to Dickens' World . However this three-parter was amazing and exceeded my expectations.  



"Get in the boot!" as Ellen would say.

   So I guess my New Year's resolution shall be to conquer the fear of reading olde worlde novels providing of course I can watch an adaptation to help me first.
   Have a happy and prosperous New Year!
   Ria x

New Year ... New Doctor Who companion ...

Each New Year i have the same resolutions to improve hand writing, improve spelling (my old english teacher called it "atrocious") and to buy phone credit more regularly ....this lasts until the second week of january when Ria has a go at me, usually sounding like this (WARNING contains foul language) "FOR FUCKS SAKE ELLEN GET SOME FUCKING CREDIT, HOW I AM I SUPPOSED TO TEXT YOU WHEN YOU NEVER FUCKING REPLY!!! " I simply awnser with  "soz" which makes her more angry because i clearly don't care, and am not taking this seriously "I hate you Ellen....Emilys my new best friend"....i don't no why she gets so annoyed, i mean honestly we talk to each other on Facebook, and never text each other when i do have credit (which is usually at christmas when i have a new phone which comes which £10 credit) ...I got a Cliff Richard calendar from my cousin and a giant Matt Smith poster for Christmas , never been more pleased in my life (slightly worried what people might think now when they walk into my room....I don't fancy Cliff Richard btw...i do however fancy Matt Smith, as Ria will tell you).
         Sorry about how overdue this post is, all my Dads brothers were down for Christmas, so i was so entertained by the rugby debates and brotherly arguments (which have been on going since childhood) that i was worried that, if i left the dining room for one minuet, i might miss out on comedy gold! For example one of my Uncles (lets call him uncle P) has a new kitten who loves cheese, so anyway another uncle (lets call him Uncle A) was sitting at the table reading the Radio Times with a bowl of grated cheese in the middle of the table ready to be sprinkled on pasta.. However the kitten jumped on the table, with my Uncle A watching, and ate all the cheese, but he waited until the cat had finished eating to tell us that the kitten had ate the cheese, my uncle P got so annoyed about because that was all the cheese he had in fridge,,, but mainly because my Uncle A just sat there watching the kitten eating the cheese for 10 bloody minuets and didn't stop him !!!
     HAPPY NEW YEAR

Ellen x  picture ^^  (casually poking matt smith)

"Isn't it lovely Simon?"

   This post was orginally going to be about Ellen's Birthday but I felt I couldn't write it without expressing all the events that happened and thus make it sound like I'm being bitchy about someone nomatter how many *'s I used.
   But I will share with you the new 'thing' (for want of a better word) that me and Ellen do when receiving presents.
   So basically, we work as a team. Whoever receives the gift opens it and stares at it for a beat too long with an overly forced grin and one eye bigger than the other whilst the other says in a very prompting and patronising voice "Isn't it lovely Simon?!" (Don't ask why it's Simon) resulting in the 'giftee' having to reply through gritted teeth in a ridiculously high voice "Yeees!". Then the patronising one presses again "Look Simon, it's a jumper with stars on...just what you always wanted!" to which the 'giftee' turns to the friend trying to hide even more rage with an increasingly higher voice "I despise stars!"
   Now if you can understand the comedy behind that little scene, you're a genius!  Me and Ellen did this with practically every gift she received from the friendlings and it worked with every scenario-even wine gums!
   To everyone who's stuck with Intellectual Idioms, God bless you and have a great Christmas! Ria x
 

The many flavours of kettle crisps

So i had great fun today ripping apart an animal hutch to take to the skip ...i also spent about an hour in Tescos buying loads of foooood for tomorrow (Ria you are in for a treat.. i literally went wild in the crisps isle) who new there were so many different flavoured 'kettle crisps' ! ...
        I was in a shop yesterday with my mum and she was eyeing up this plate (which i bought last week for her crimbo present) a plate sounds like a crap present but , like Ria's mug, its whats on the plate that counts.  "this would look lovely on the dresser" ...me "nooooo no its horrible" ..."i think its great"...."it looks like someones (i didn't no what to say)  just don't get it"etc...."why, its lovely, i might come back after christmas and get it" ....well at least i no she likes her christmas present ...why did this have to happen to me , i was gonna smash the plate (when she was not looking) so that she definitely couldn't purchase it ,, but then i realised that if i broke a plate in a shop i would probably have to pay compensation, be banned from the shop and end up with a smashed up plate in a bag to take home ... so i just persuaded her that the plate was a disgusting colour etc and distracted her with this cool hare toy that jumped around when u pressed its foot ( unfortunately she wasn't as impressed with this as i was) :\
Ellen x

A load of Cox.

   It's been a good week for me in terms of quenching my thirst for all things Brian. It started out with Ellen forcing me to open my Christmas present early. "I want to see your reaction" she said, so I thought I'd have to put on some false happy cheerful persona however Ellen has never disappointed in the past. So after 10 minutes of picking the tape from the sides of this polystyrene box, I uncovered a mug. "This aint the end of the story though is it?" I thought to myself, and low and behold were 3 printed pictures of the Professor in all his glory placed around the sides. I couldn't thank Ellen enough, "Just don't put it in the dishwasher" she said. I ended up clutching it to my chest throughout Chemistry lesson incase some clumsy idiot knocked it off of the table.
   Also, they put him on The One Show on Friday Night to mess about with some Liquid Nitrogen experiment I've seen half a dozen times. "Don't try this at home" he announced.-Not the sort of thing you have in your medicine cupboard is it?
   And if that wasn't enough, he's on AGAIN tonight at 9.00pm on BBC 2 doing a sort of lecture loosely based on Quantum Mechanics with the weird one from Top Gear (James May) who I quite like. Of course,(she says) nothing I haven't seen before. They're going to do the one where May puts his hand in the bubble mixture and Cox sets light to it. I remember that one from the Yr 6 Induction Day at my old school!
   I've promised to not to that thing where I talk simultaneously with Brian and get his sentences word perfect because it freaks my Mum out.
   Ria x

Puddles aren't fun when your wearing jeans

so those of you who have followed us since we started (lol jk there isn't any) you will no that i had a guinea pig. so my Guinea Pig 'Pippin' died sadly this morning :'( My dad woke me up really early to show me, my instant reaction when he woke me up was ":D is there snow outside" ..."not quite"...."sleet? :D" ...."Ellie"..."ice? :D" ..."Ellen listen" ..."(me running to my window, in disappointment) Oh" ..."ellen theres something i have to tell you...etc" the rest is to painful to re-live . So anyway naturally with great upset comes anger ...which i took out on my dad whilst he was making my sandwich "THATS TOO MUCH FILLING !" .."Ellie its the same amount as everyday"  (big eye...ria understands) "(high but quiet) ITS NOT".... so thats the beginning of the crappy day...So i got off the bus and was walking the 10 min walk to school , re-living this morning with 'you've got a friend in me' playing in my head as images of 'good times' with my Guinea pig rolled through my mind....when out of nowhere i manage to fall face first (wait for it) INTO A PUDDLE! what are the chances that a puddle just happened to be in that exact place... so i was now wet, mourning my dead pet and with a cut up knee staggering into school ...i looked like a twat..with ripped jeans !  .... my favourite effing pair of jeans!!
 its like having a seriously bad day and then having shit poured on that bad day and someone repeatedly kicking you in the face.
Ellen x

Partial Lunar Eclipse

   Apologies that this post isn't going to be funny or humorous. No change there then*. So I've made sure Ellen's done a post before me to help tide you over.
   So the image you can see is courtesy of my cousin Iris who luckily got to see the partial lunar eclipse at 4:15pm yesterday.
   I on the other hand missed out as I had a bit of trouble locating the moon!
   Using my astronomical know-how I knew it would be lying low because for an eclipse to happen, the moon has to pass through the Earth's shadow. However unless you were living in a tower block (or were fortunate enough to have a velux window like my cousin) it would have been pretty impossible to spot it in time. I even ran up to the end of my road scouring the sky with my binoculars ignoring the weird looks I was getting from passers by.
   But the moon without the shadowy slice cut from the top right was pretty amazing in itself. It was extremely big, bright, golden and beautiful to look at through my binoculars. Initially it was hiding behind the water tower but by the time it crept out it just looked like your normal moon.
   Despite astrology being a load of nonsense, I believe the moon does influence our lives. Not only does it create the tides but it changes people's behaviour on full moons. For example, coming back from shopping yesterday morning there was this kid larking about on a zebra crossing. As a car came along he would stand in the middle of the road with his arms outstretched and when the car stopped he would eventually get out of the way. Yes I know this could happen any day but trust me, you find people acting more madly on day when the moon is full. Doctors even limit the amount of surgery they perform on full moons. My Dad said it's because there's too much 'energy' around and patients bleed more. My theory is that all the dross on this planet turn into werewolves*
   Ellen is going to make me swear an oath to never bring science into our blog again I can tell!
Ria X
 

"bumper Radio Times, two weeks of Tv heaven"

so we decorated the house and tree today... went to the garden centre to buy a tree only to realise that all but one had been stolen, so we ended up buying the tree that wasn't even good enough to steal. Its ok now its covered in ribbons and beads (put on to create an illusion that the tree is more semetrical than it obviously is) WHO WOULD STEAL CHRISTMAS TREES!! and if you were going to steal them, it would be more profitable to steal artificial ones!
      However i do feel like I've done a good festive deed as i have rescued the tree from loneliness and isolation (i feel like phoebe from 'Friends' when she wants to save all the dead christmas trees from the 'chipper' because they haven't 'fulfilled their christmas destiny') i think the christmas tree looks very pretty now.
         we had the annual family argument over how the lights should be placed on the tree ..."Harry its not even"..."I'm doing my best"..."father , father , father your knocking off the ball balls"...."harry your doing it wrong"..."I'm doing it the way i want to do it" ..."your ways wrong! "...."father the ball balls" ...."i don't care about the ball bloody BALLS!!" etc etc... then after  mince pies we all were happy again and the festivities commenced.
Ellen x

Doc Martens

    If there's one thing I admire about Ellen, it's her steel toed Doc Marten boots. I think I'm getting a pair for Christmas (as well as my aerial lead) but I really needed them last night.
   At Karate yesterday evening we were all told to put our shoes back on to sort of replicate if we were being attacked in real life. "You wouldn't be bare-footed walking round the streets would you?" said my Shihan or master, I tugged the ends of my Gi or suit "Nor would we be dressed in white pajamas" I replied.
   The great thing about Amazon is that it cannot differentiate between the search term 'Doc Marten' and 'Doc Martin' so I keep getting e-mails with a Martin Clunes photo attachement asking if I care to buy the DVD boxset.
   The friendlings and I (chief friendling) are all going round Ellen's mansion house soon for her Birthday to watch DVD's. She's decided that we're putting Narnia on because she thinks the guy that plays Mr Tumnus is dishy.
   The horns and the hooves would put me off personally but if that's what floats her boat...
Ria X

...and all that shiz

So i was just siting there watching Eastenders (i don't normally watch it btw) and this girl was having a pregnancy scan and it made me think about if animals have scans as well, and then that made me think could they find out the gender? ...and then i concluded in asking myself "do they receive a photo to show the other neighbourhood cats\dogs\etc...?" ... luckily my guinea pigs were two boys so i never had to go through the pregnancy issue (although coming to think about it one of them did have a tendency to pin the other down and mount him) ...ok decided to stop this convo just incase i lead on to talk about 'sexualy starved guinea pigs' , which is just wrong, disturbing and possibly a bit pedophilic.
             I had one of those awkward moments yesterday when i think I'm being clever by saying that a 'quark' is a 'small cell thingy' but then being laughed at by Ria and her physics chums ... so i walsed off to art where i could happily paint my tree in peace and not  worry about  getting confused between a neutron and a voltmeter !!  
             i will leave u with a heart warming sentence
Vouldermorte only tried to kill harry at the end of a school year, suggesting that he wanted Harry to have a good education ... i will leave u to ponder on that one
Ellen x

It's not insulting-it's a fact.

   Speaking of televisions, our Freeview box plays up every time a motorcycle goes past. Like most things, I can deal with this little imperfection of life by ranting about this to my friendlings or anyone who is prepared to nodd in the correct places. However on one occasion when I vented my opinions, somehow I ended up insulting the French.
   So I heard that the reason we get a dodgy Freeview picture is due to the weak signal from Bluebell Hill. It cannot be boosted as it would interfere with French T.V. "...Darn French" I joked,  however the person I was speaking with happened to unfortunately have a French wife (When I say unfortunately-I mean the chances I would cross paths with someone in this circumstance, not that it was an unfortunate marriage) and so it had arisen they had an anual subscription to French Satellite T.V. In a futile attempt to lighten the mood, I asked "what do they broadcast, back-to-back episodes of 'Allo 'Allo?" This person hasn't spoken to me since.
   My telly can only play DVD's and Wii games so for Christmas I would like an aerial lead. In fact, my Dad's already got one in the garage-I'm easily pleased.
   Here's a fact for you-you know that fuzzy looking snow picture you get when you're tuning in your telly? You're witnessing CMB (Cosmic Microwave Radiation) and a few percent of that is the stuff produced at the Big Bang.

Mac-in-tosh

(first time blogging, just a warning) 


"don't worry you can put your arm on a pillow :D" Was the first words the nurse said as she practically drained the blood from my arm...kinda now know how you would feel when u get bit by a vampire (but less romantic..probably) however Ria re-assured me by saying not to worry because u get the blood back because your body makes 2 pints a day , anyway i think thats what she said because i was distracted by my friend who apparently "just broke her neck"...or sommin that doesn't naturally happen whilst eating an apple. I'm not going to tell you why i had a blood test because i don't actually know, not that I'm complaining because the waiting room was very amusing. 
why the f*** am i watching this programme ... oh great and now my Tv has frozen,     I'm going now so i can fix my television 

"Shall we do a blog?" "Yeah alright."

   And that's how it started, one ordinary free period that would have otherwise gone to waste on banter about our acquaintance's tendency to reccur their character traits too often for Ellen and I to ignore. Apparently this is called 'taking the mick'.
   This may be an integral part of our future blogs. We will also share amusing things that happen to us during our quest to seek acceptance in a Grammar Sixth Form. After 3 months our 'friendling' group contains only 1 new member and even she only joins us if she can't locate her legitimate mates*.
   The asterisk (*) is a creation of mine and Ellen's. It basically translates as "No Offence, But...". Originally this emblem started out as N.O.B however we quickly realised that adding 'nob' after an insult didn't make the situation any better. Now the interpretation of * is widely accepted (around our friendlings) we use it if we're joking or talking a load of nonsense.
   So this is how the blog will work. I will write a post then Ellen will write a post. I will write 6 more posts then I will force Ellen to write a post. And thus the cycle continues. Now over to Ellen :)